Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
