your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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