I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
