Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
