Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
People in love make me want to vomit
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night