so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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