I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
