I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
