im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
