my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
