you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
