Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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