just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
