i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
