RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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