One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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