i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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