Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
