I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
