Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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