I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
