New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
