woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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