The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
