please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
