You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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