Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
