Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
