Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
