cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
