she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
