Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
