Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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