very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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