dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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