Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
