I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
