I faked an abortion last night.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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