Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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