Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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