Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
