How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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