im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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