I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
