My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
