I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
