Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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