Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
