she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You can't just leave with hair like that
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
