You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My bed smells like the plague
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
