Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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