dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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