he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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