There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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