Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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