ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
