i love accidental penises.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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